How to Divorce in a Way That Preserves a Relationship With Your Spouse and Protects Your Children

How you divorce matters. In divorce, emotions run high, and it is tempting to use past grievances as leverage. However, if you want to protect your children’s well-being and maintain a civil relationship with your soon-to-be ex-spouse, how you approach the divorce process will make all the difference. Choosing a non-adversarial approach over a traditional, confrontational, and adversarial process helps to foster mutual respect and set a healthier foundation for co-parenting.

Traditional Divorce: A Tug-of-War

In a traditional divorce, the legal process feels like a tug-of-war where you are each fighting to “win.” This win/lose mindset may lead to an escalating conflict, using personal details as ammunition, and focusing on every perceived fault of the other. Children, finances, and even mutual friends can get caught in the middle. Although this adversarial approach may secure certain short-term gains, it also results in long-term damage to relationships with your ex and, more importantly, to your children’s sense of family stability.

Why a Non-Adversarial Approach Works Better

In contrast, a non-adversarial approach, such as Collaborative Divorce or Mediation, focuses on finding solutions that benefit you both without assigning blame. This approach encourages you to plan for the future, rather than dwelling on past conflicts. With a team of professionals, such as divorce financial experts and communication coaches, you can keep discussions productive, manage strong emotions, and avoid letting anger influence the final agreement. This helps you reach decisions that feel fair to everyone, reducing the chances of resentment later.

In Collaborative Divorce and Mediation, you are encouraged to work toward common goals, such as building a respectful co-parenting relationship, and make decisions in the best interests of your children. Imagine two parents working together to maneuver a sailboat, each contributing to the direction and speed of the vessel as opposed to being in a race in two opposing boats with each trying to “win” the race. The more cooperative approach sets the stage for smoother co-parenting and shared family events in the future.

The Importance of Preserving Relationships

Preserving a respectful relationship with your ex-spouse will benefit not only your children but also your own peace of mind. If you and your ex remain civil, you can both attend school events and family gatherings without awkwardness or conflict. And day-to-day situations, such as picking up and dropping off your children at the other’s home will go more smoothly. Not only will you feel more relaxed and at ease in each other’s presence, but, more importantly, your children won’t feel torn between two worlds.

By taking a non-adversarial approach during your divorce, you help your children feel safe and supported both during the divorce process and long after. They are less likely to experience the emotional turmoil that comes from their parents fighting, and they will see firsthand the importance of respect and compromise.

Case Study: The Long-Term Cost of an Adversarial Divorce

Consider one family’s story. Under the New York divorce laws at the time, it was necessary to prove fault, so the mother needed to make accusations of “cruel and inhuman treatment” against her husband, even though they both wanted an out-of-court settlement. They reached a fair agreement, dividing their business, property, and custody of their children. Yet, the emotional impact of those accusations remained long after the divorce was over.

For the next 10 years, the father refused to speak to the mother. He avoided family gatherings, and their children felt the strain of a relationship bruised by bitterness. At milestones like graduations and weddings, the family was divided; the father would not be in photos with the mother, and the children felt they needed to remove images of their mother from videos of family events that they wanted to share with the father to avoid his discomfort. The emotional toll of the parents’ unresolved tension was significant, adding pain to what should have been joyful celebrations.

Had they chosen a collaborative approach, this family could have avoided the resentment that built up as a result of the adversarial process. Instead of accusations and blame, they could have focused on reaching a respectful, peaceful resolution that supported their co-parenting relationship and spared their children the strain of a divided family.

How a Less Adversarial Divorce Can Protect Your Family’s Wellbeing

A non-adversarial divorce will make all the difference in how your family adapts and grows post-divorce. By choosing a Collaborative Divorce or Mediation, you can set an example of respect for your children, reduce long-term tension, and create a healthier, more stable environment for co-parenting.

At Vacca Family Law Group, we help our clients find a path forward that prioritizes family relationships. Through  Collaborative Divorce and Mediation, we focus on putting your children’s well-being first and helping you keep a positive, open line of communication with your ex-spouse. To learn more about how our approach can help you achieve your goals and protect your future, call (646) 502-8591 or contact us online and schedule your free introductory call.

Vacca Family Law Group is located at One Grand Central Place, 60 E. 42nd St., Suite 700, New York, NY 10165.